Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Caught

So I am back after months, and predictably my comeback post is a rant.

A work friend is getting married, let's call her T. So it's an arranged marriage and along the way she's certainly had her doubts. The boy is a hardworking chap from a middle class background, has a dependent mother and a younger brother, and a married younger sister. Seems innocent enough, yes?

But going from engagement to marriage, there have been a couple of things that have her a little frazzled. There are signs of constant interference, insecurities and lack of privacy on the Mum in law's part. Since she can't discuss it at home too much, T looks to me for advice, me being the married friend.

You want to know what I think? I want to tell her to not get married, to tell her to marry someone who values her and doesn't bring with him family as a burden but rather as a blessing.I want to tell her to not get into a trap where a Mother is waiting to exercise her right as a Mother in law, waiting to act as if you've bitten into her slice of cake, taken away her most prized possession. I want to tell her not to rush into anything and take her time and enjoy her own company a little more.

Of course, I can't. And I don't.

Why not? Well because women like me and her are forever caught between tradition and modernity. We are self sufficient and capable of caring for our families and yet are a burden if not married off at the correct age.We bring our parents pride with our accolades and are the stress in their lives when we don't "settle" down.

I am not pointing fingers, the fault certainly is our own. We don't rebel enough. We don't challenge customs or tradition for fear of being labelled "difficult". We don't want to take the trouble of correcting a wrong because its been that way for decades. That's our fault. We wrote our own destinies.

Get married to a man you love, and yet inevitably whether you marriage was love or arranged, you will fall down the rabbit hole into the In Law trap. I'm sorry, but its true. You will bend over backwards to "prove" your worth and fit in, abandon how you've lived for years to accommodate your new family. It will be up to you to prove your mettle in the name of family pride.

I am not saying that there aren't nice In Laws at all, of course there are. My bet is that they are educated enough to see other people and value their privacy as they would their own. 

But with most people, respectable people no less, however nice they are, a snide remark here and a blatant expectation of submission there, this is "normal". You shouldn't raise any eyebrows to those, certainly, after all its not abuse. They are decent people who wouldn't dream of abusing another person. But, so often we let casual remarks slide by for its not tantamount to abuse in our eyes, at least not relatively. But the question is, you are a whole human being, aren't you entitled to some courtesy, why must an issue be big enough to raise, why shouldn't someone address your tiniest concern. Why? for that is how it works!

I think the only way this goes away, is if people are educated and have some exposure, else this game of cat and mouse is bound to continue. its always going to be the MIL vs the DIL with the husband caught in the middle. You need to be wise enough to live and let live.

This is the advice I would give my sister, who's young still.

And to T, I pray for the best.

End of rant. 


Wednesday, August 3, 2016

The great debate


The moment the world finds out you are pregnant, everything quickly turns into a great debate. Advice pours in from unexpected quarters, next thing you know your accountant is advising you on using a body pillow! They all mean well but it sure is a lot of advice.

As your little one makes an appearance, it only worsens, now the advice has turned into opinion and opinion into strong judgement if not heeded to, phew and you thought childbirth was taxing.

I had a C section, its major surgery which knocked me out for a couple of days, when I regained my senses I was greeted with a flurry of, "Oh, no normal delivery?", lucky for them i was weak enough to not be able to hand out a deserving punch or two.

You'll be surprised how many people will offer an opinion on anything baby or mom related, breast milk vs formula sits at the top of this list. Heaven forbid there might be a woman whose first choice isn't nursing a baby till he's two! Some wan't to do it but can't, some might not want to at all, its their prerogative, after all she's the one who lay on that table and gave this baby life, she can decide wether she wants to be milked like a cow or not. I formula feed, up until now I let people know that I had to stop because of a bout of Chicken pox, but then I met a wonderful pediatrician who told me to stop setting myself up for failure, I choose to formula feed why should I be apologetic about it? I know what is best for my child and My situation, no one really deserves an explanation if it works for me.

I think as women, we need to offer each other strength as Dr.Shukla did for me, her words gave me encouragement and made me believe in myself, more power to that. Women helping women is the greatest thing, if only we could do it more often.

My babe is now almost 6 months old, abd every day I learn something new, but mostly what gets reiterated everyday is do what's best for you, try it out and see, settle on it because you tried and it worked , it might've worked for someone else but you really out to try it out yourself!

So this is a tidbit of what I've learnt in the past months that I've been MIA, I promise to be more regular and keep you updated.

P.s. Its a boy! We've named him Rehan:)

Monday, August 24, 2015

The power of me.

There have been times, when I've been distraught because a co worker has been ignoring me or when people fail to show minimum amounts of courtesy, I've been angry at this world that we live in , with all of its rude people and this in turn has affected my actions.

I was at a job a year ago, the one at the startup, where my career was going steadily up. So much, that I could see my rise and the growth that it promised, I went to San Fransisco on that job, I was outranking colleagues in no time and was praised for my EQ, for dealing with clients.Then came the evil pitfall, I let myself fall prey to other people's negativity, mostly the jealousy that accompanied my rise. Looking back I realize, more often than not, when people ignore you or undermine you it is because they're insecure. I made the mistake of wanting to blend in with them, that took away my peace of mind. I was losing my grit and gumption, and quite frankly my mind. Pretty soon, office became hell, I didn't get along with my superiors anymore, all because I wanted to please the junta. In a year I was done, I quite the job that could have changed my life and made me very very successful, in for a cookie cutter role, where rise is slow and politics is higher. I thought I was picking security over my inherent insecurities. But I realized soon enough, the mistake was always in letting someone else dictate my self worth.

People will always be rude, always be bullies. That shouldn't change who you are or how you were taught. Certainly, you must evolve, you must grow and pick up the good things, learn where there are opportunities, but you must always listen to yourself first. At least you'll be 100% behind every decision you make, even the bad ones, Isn't that how we learn?

That is what I want to teach my Beanie, to be strong, to trust his instinct always. Never to bend to pressure and always know what's right for him. You're better off enjoying a lunch alone, than to endure someone whose company you don't enjoy, who doesn't make you feel good.

P.s. - I still meet people at work who ignore me, who walk away to drink tea in groups without having the courtesy to ask you, but they bother me much less. I remind myself, I'm better off not mingling with those who don't imbibe the same values as i do.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Too much free time. .

Its a lazy saturday, i can't find a blog to read or information on the web to soak up, so my mind wanders.... Such random thoughts , here they are -

1. Aishwarya Rai looks so hot in Kajra re( someday i'll read this and explain to my grown up kids what kajra re was)

2. Randomly watching antakshari episodes on Youtube, damn i miss that show!

3. Do you think the baby will take Lawyer's dancing gene? 

:) velle!

Thursday, August 20, 2015

To the baby - At Ten weeks!

Over the years, I've noticed how my blog has become a place to collect my thoughts neatly. I read a plethora of wonderful blogs, that have a huge following and know in my heart that I can never write to an audience that way, or hold a line of thought for too long. But what this blog has become is serve as an index for my own thoughts, I often go back and dig out posts of despair to remind myself of how far I've come. So in a bid to preserve all that I want to say to my unborn child, this is an attempt to post something new , every week atleast. I know I wont start a separate baby blog, but someday I can read these and give myself some food for thought.

I am 10weeks and 4 days today, the baby is as big as a prune and I am showing just slightly. I am more rounded overall and I crave crave crave junk food!! I am at work, no one's come in yet but I can't stop dreaming about lunch, there is pasta clouding my mind at this very moment. I keep dreaming of baby girls, wonder if that means something?

I have a scan in a couple of weeks which checks for healthy brain development in the child, and I am a little worried for that, overall the moods go between happiness and despair.

This week I've reread some of my harry potter books, and can't wait to introduce them to my Beanie baby.

Dear Beanie,

I hope you get my reading gene, your Papa is intelligent as hell but the man can't read a book for pleasure and how I wished he would. I can't wait to smother you with books, and hope you take after me!

Love,

Ma

Monday, July 13, 2015

Hope

After months and posts of ranting here, about wanting a child and not wanting to go to the doctor anymore, what if I told you that I am pregnant ?!

Yes, God has been kind to me, on July 1st I took a test and then another on the 2nd, to be surprised by the faint second line on my test. I never get the second line!!

Its still unbelievable, honestly. I found a new doctor, who seems educated and modern, she asked me to take a test called the HSG that the previous doctor had also suggested but somehow I'd never come around. But this doctor convinced me and that too without too much trying, maybe theres a right time for everything after all!

So here I am 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant! :)

I took 2 weeks off from work and frankly the TV serials that my ma in law watches are so shitty that I'd rather be back at work. It's crap i promise.

Anyways, this is the big news that has forced me out of my bloggy retirement, I am happy but not too much, I am definitely scared. Hope I keep posting happy things.

Ciao :)

Friday, November 14, 2014

I think the worst feeling is when you pee on a pregnancy test to convince yourself that you're wrong,  that this time it might have happened, that another month will not pass, pregnant only with hope.

When you yearn for a child, when you feel like your body is failing you, when you look up to God in despair, When you secretly detest the colleague who got pregnant with her second one without trying.

I am sitting here with a massive hole in my heart which aches, which brings on tears without any prompting, How can I cry over something that never was, that didn't exist?

Wasn't it me who didn't want to see a doctor anymore? Who didn't want to count days, didn't want the mechanical sex and countless ultrasounds?

And yet, here I am, Angry and dealing with primary infertility (as my doctor puts it).

Dear God,

I'll be fantastic mother, just try me.

Love,

A sad Me.