Monday, May 24, 2010

She had been shopping then, something she hadn’t done for weeks, she hadn’t been out of the house much, she worried a lot now, but Ma assured her, babies knew just when to come, they never came when you were sick or confused but when they knew you were ready to welcome them, that had comforted her. It was the first time in weeks she had felt like herself again, she loved every bit of her new role, which was about to come. D. had come out with her today and had ventured into a bookstore to buy her something good, her birthday as a week away, and he silently hoped the baby would come then and it would be a double celebration.

She had liked winters since she had been very young, the breeze began to pass her by, then she had wobbled down the street, for months people had told her she would have a boy, going by how large she had been, she had prayed she’d have twins even triplets, it was a little silly, and now she prayed for a healthy baby, she wanted a boy, D. had just wanted a child, no preferences he had said earlier, but she knew he wanted a son, too.

As she made her way through the people, some celebrating Christmas, some just wanting to get home, her mind reeled to back to her life years ago, memories she had locked up in a little box and pushed to a dusty corner of her mind. Maybe it was because she had just spotted someone in the crowd, or someone who reminded her of the person she had known once, loved once, left alone once and moved on. She thought of him every now and then, calculating frantically at first, what the time would be, in India, what he’d be doing then but that went away as she adapted to the new life, now she just thought of him at Christmas, it was his birthday. She thought back to how she had only awaited a phone call from him, and left when it hadn’t come, left him, left their life together, that was and that to come. She craned her neck to look better, could it be? What if it was? What then? What would she say? , How would she explain all this, how would she tell him that she still wondered whether he too, had moved on? Whether he too, had locked her up in his past and found love again, if he scolded this new person too the way he had always scolded her when she ate too many of those blueberries or had been out in the rain too long, or was his present companion smarter, smarter not to do those silly things, smarter not to desert him? She remembered now, vividly, how he had laughed when she told him she wanted four kids, and she knew how many boys and which school they’d go to, and what they’d grow up to be, he had been the only person she had said all that to, and he had been aware of what it meant to her. She had known him as she had known herself and yet she left, maybe he’d never know. She knew how red had been his favorite color, she had thought of him while slipping into every red outfit she owned, his image had flashed in her mind whenever she saw D. wear the green shirt she had loved so much on him, that D. had found in her old room and decided to keep. She still thought of his smell, of how he would probably have stopped going to the library since he never read himself but went there for her, just to meet her or when she dragged him to it. She still chuckled when she thought of his seriousness on petty issues, of her talking and his listening for hours at end, their music, his thoughts and her actions, all he believed in and all she did. Now her mind reeled to the present, where this man stood, dressed like him, with his back to her, resembled him, as she tried to look, something disturbed her, maybe it was the baby, maybe it kicked, but that was normal, but it seemed to be increasing now, more frequent now, D. was at her side almost immediately, and a few people turned to look, the man had turned too, she was relieved to find it wasn’t him, or at least she thought she was, as D. eased her into the car, she knew what she was going to name her baby……

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way back when i was in love, seemingly. . i wrote this, i dont knw if i like it but when i wrote it, i felt loved and i was in love, didnt knw one day it could seem so possible!

Friday, May 21, 2010

life is confusing and perplexing. but no more complex than the contradictions within me.