Sunday, November 10, 2013

The husband goes to Bangalore for a week today. . . . I miss him already.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

so my bubble burst. . .   all these days brooding about my bad job and about my need to leave, I always assumed that I could always take one of the many job offers that land in my inbox, breeze through the interview and take charge of my life. . . Wrong!

I finally scheduled an interview with a firm in Gurgaon, left work early and went in to see them. I knew it was all wrong the moment i walked in, From the first whiff of air I knew this place wasn't for me.  I dont want to recall anything about it, I dont think it was too bad an interview, but the written test transported me back to class 12. Its just something about these stuck up places that want you to believe that they're cool.

It made me sad. You could smell the politics.

But this was a good experience, why you ask?, cause now I know where I am is not such a bad place after all. Its my state of mind that needs changing. Maybe I can be at peace for a while now.

here's hoping.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Monday inspiration

you walk into work on a Monday morning, there blows a soft breeze outside, the weather is fantastic. Its that time of the year, when you see summer transition into a Delhi winter, which means pretty soon all would be covered in a delicious haze as far as the eye can see.

You walk into work and eye your desk, with a hint of exasperation, you dream of working at a cafe instead, where you could bring someone a red velvet cake and indulge in some conversation with a delightful hippie from France. How satisfying that would be, you think.

You snap out of the reverie and sigh, swith on your computer and go back to your desk job that pays a respectable sum of money.

This is my monday morning quit-your-job inspirational quote.

"Remember, money is fabulous but you can’t put a price on freedom."

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Uggggh crappy day.... When is this going to end!!

P.s. its something at work. Its always something at work.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

lazy updates

Sometimes I am so constantly shuttling between despair and exhilaration that I leave myself confused,there are days at work where I am  sunny and beaming, feeling blessed and happy in the company of friends, and then there are those days where I am bleak to the point of falling of the cliff, where I feel like I've walked into a dark room and just cannot find the switch to flick the lights on. I've stopped taking it too seriously now, I read blogs where I see people go through the exact same thing, makes me believe that a quarter life crisis could really exist.

I picked up some movies and tv series to watch while commuting to work, so till I feel good enough to bring my best game to work, I am watching Suits, this lawyer and show and its soo good. Harvey Spector....ooh!

In other news, we have a bit of travelling to do before the year closes, November we have Chennai for a cousin's kid's first birthday - which I might add, I don't get the hoopla around, the kid is one, he's probably going to be hassled by the end of it. But to each his own, maybe it all changes when you become parents. When the joy of seeing your little baby turn one, overtakes all sanity. So we're going and partaking in their joy and playing our part, exclaiming dutifully about how the baby has grown etc.

December we have Nagpur for Bunty's baby shower that going to be elaborate to say the least, really looking forward to that.

In between we might drive down to kanpur for Dad's birthday on the 27th. Shhh, its a secret,if we pull it off, there might be great joy in seeing the looks on their faces.

Ciao :)

Something to think about -

"You might have had the guts to take the job, but you don't have the courage to stick to it." 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Waiting for winter.

You know winter is arriving when you fought tooth and nail to stay in bed Evey morning. So its October and it's delhi. Durga puja has come and gone, Delhi is waiting for Diwali and then you know new year won't be far away.

And just like that we'll close another year.

I've been traveling in the metro a year now and every day is like watching a cast of characters pass through a sit com. There are   sleepy guys, creepy guys and those who want the entire train to hear their big boastful conversations.

These days I oscillate between liking my job and hating it. Sometimes liking my life sometimes hating it.I dream of winter sun at habitat center and then come back to reality with a thud.

Waiting for winter now.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Choices. . . .

I sat and reread some old posts from the dark ages,the previous job that is.

And I was surprised to find that for a while there I felt exactly as I feel now. The dread to step into office and the coworker hostility are all the same. The only difference?

Back then I didn't give myself the option to quit.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Lunchbox

So I got blogger on my phone and I am firing away. Its amazing how my absence on this space was linked with making the effort to log in and type away. Often by the time I got around to logging in and putting my thoughts on 'paper',said thoughts would vanish.

But here's hoping that changes and I go back to resuming the enthusiasm I had for a blog.

So I showed up to share that I made superlative lunch today. Authentic dal makhani and aloo capsicum. I am proud and beaming. And not being modest.

So what if my career is down in the dumps, I've got me cooking mate!

Ta-la.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Ranting still. . .

When is it okay, to quit a meaningless job?

Is it time when you are 50 and have tended to most of your domestic obligations? Or can you retire at 25  just longing to smell the fresh grass having no plan?

Who decides? Where do you find the courage? Why is something so simple so complicated?

what do you do. . .

when you hate your job?

when neither the people appeal to you nor the atmosphere.

there are days when I want to walk into my boss' cabin and say, "sorry, not working out for me". But practicality stops me, why give up a decent job over a whim. Why not just lay low and get the job done. Why not just earn your living, rather than try to "Love" what you do?

But is that living?

Shouldnt I be smelling the rain, watching the trees, enjoying my tea by the window,  staying home and cooking and being proud of myself for seeing the satisfaction on my husbands face, dreaming. . . instead of sitting in an office and being borderline humiliated for not getting the job done ?

As I read on TheMadMomma, "wohi to jeena hota hai,Nahi to sirf EMI bhar rahe ho."

Sigh.

Monday, September 30, 2013

hold please. . .

So since the last time I was here,  a lot of things have changed. The biggest of which has been my attitude towards my job, and to think there really was a period in between where i'd started liking it.

So I was in a great position, or so it seemed, with people under me and with lots of authority when the work pressure started to mount. I began having sleepless nights and began dreading each day. I started to spend more and more time at my desk, taking shorter breaks and avoiding friends at work. I noticed that even  after putting in 12 hours at work, i still felt like i needed more time. Just a little more time.

I began to crack and all my relationships began to suffer. A work opportunity sent me to California for ten days, it was such a great thing to happen to me, no one else at work got it but I did, and I still feel like I blew it. I went and came back, all the while missing home and feeling terribly alone.

I came back to an office where my subordinates hated me and I in turn didn't like the bosses. Then one fine day a seemingly mundane encounter with a colleague just blew my fuse, he alleged that I had to be spoon fed and he wouldn't do it anymore. I broke down and cried, Stupid, I know. I should've pointed the stick right back and said mean things but I just couldn't. I just sat there and cried.I cried not because what he was saying was true, but because I put in so much effort in this job and this is what it got me. No peace of mind and in the end no semblance of dignity.

A couple of weeks after this, I decided to resign, I shot off a long mail explaining how it was a great opportunity but it wasnt for me. Everyone at home wanted that and so did I, I wished to get away from the toxic work environment and all that hostility. But they just wouldnt let me go, They convinced me to take 2 weeks off and ruminate, SO i did just that. I took my time off and am back now, only to realise that I still do not like it one bit. I just made up my mind about the place and the people I guess, but I dont know how to tell them. I have my doubts about wether one should throw away a perfectly good job over nothing.

My solution? sit tight and do nothing. Come to work and go back home, try to focus on the other things in life. Clean, cook, read. I'm letting work take a back seat and focus on me. Focus on my husband and the important things in life. I know being anything less than sincere at work is not going to help me, but this is what I am going with for now.

Lets wait and watch.


Tuesday, July 2, 2013

being the boss

"Are you my manager?"

"Why? Am I reporting to you now?"

"My my, such a corporate slave you've become honey, That you can't think beyond managers and authority.", is what I wanted to say to the woman who asked me a variation of the above, at work.

I think its idiotic that your ego is on the line the moment you get asked what you are up-to.

Its when I encounter people like these, which I do everyday, that the realization hits me, I must make a life outside work, so that my world isn't confined to such experiences. If I don't venture out, I would also be stuck in the politics of hierarchy, who's on top and why?

ugggh, sad sad little world of office politics.

p.s. I AM her manager, she just doesn't know it yet :P

Monday, July 1, 2013

falling off

i've fallen off the bandwagon and how. portion control, yoga, all started for a week and left.

In no mood to not eat that slice of chocolate cake sitting in the fridge.

When I look in the mirror , I am ok with myself, honestly.

Not liking this one bit. Must try to start again.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

So I am still doing Yoga, albeit not everyday as planned earlier, but I am on it. No rice for a week, no aerated stuff, lots of fruits.

I honestly feel a little better, away from all that grease. I did bake a banana walnut cake in between, but that was whole wheat flour and was intended for the husband.

The only indulgence on these hot summer days is a glass of chilled rooh-afza. . .

Rava Idli for lunch today :) 

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Weighty Matters

I've always been a foodie, I take after my dad in that sense. When I was younger, and we lived with my paati(grandma), she made no attempts to hide that dad was her favorite child and cooked exclusively for him. Then I came along, and me, the first grandchild became her favorite lil fatty. She would cook and I would gobble it up, I was a no fuss baby, in that regard.

All through adolescence, my mum urged me to cycle, run and diet. The more she pushed, the more I resented it. My heart was never in it. The more she said, "dont drink that coke!",the more I drank cokes chup chup ke. I would take my cycle every morning and leave, my mum was mighty pleased, but I would make about one round and choose to settle down on a bench in the park, reading a book. Call it rebellion, but I was never the health conscious one.

But all through that time, in school and college, I did feel fat. and by virtue of that ugly.

Now when I look back at those pics, I am surprised that I wasn't as big as I thought myself to be.

Anywhoo. . . I digress, We are trying to have a baby. Trying for about 4 months now. Every month we get our hopes up and feel very disappointed when it doesnt happen, I knw I know, I've read every article out there about how stress will negate any chance of conception, but the stress is something we cannot seem to shed. The anxiety which comes parents and sometimes our own minds, and our dreams of the future. But there's no point talking about that now.

So we're trying, and decided to go see a doctor. They said the same thing I'd read for months, how we should not associate expectation with conception, and let things take their natural course.

The doctor then asked me how long I had been overweight, and I was crushed. I knew I wasnt healthy, the weight I'd lost at the gym before marriage had all come back and brought some friends too. I had a sedentary lifestyle and substituted food for comfort.

I knew all this even before she asked me, but having someone say it out loud, put it into words made me feel horrible.

I got on that weighing scale and measured out at a whopping 75 kgs.

You knw, I read people's blogs and see them have an "aha" moment about weight loss or other healthy life choices, it wasnt that with me. Even though, as of yesterday I am not eating processed food and junk, my heart is still not in it a 100%.

But I want to do this. The ideal weight for a person my height is 57 kgs, so I hope to get to 60 atleast.

So, I've gone on fad diets in the past, I wanted this to be different. I'm writing this down so I dont fall off the wagon and this doesnt become something said and forgotten.

I am doing this moderation thing now,where I dont eat outside food (- pizza, pasta bye bye . . . .) and allow myself good things but in moderation, for example one piece of chocolate is ok, the entire bar is not.

Momos needn't be bought everytime one passes by the shop and Pepsi neednt be drank just because its in the fridge.

God has given me a good life, its high time I make myself feel good.

btw, in all enthu, I started Yoga at home yesterday. . . . . oww ouww ouww, it hurts so much. . . some beginners pain nonsense that goes away only with more exercise. Sadists!

Ciao!




Thursday, March 14, 2013

The wisdom of Age

Two girls, chatting noisily as I enter the compartment and take a seat. As imagined, Its about a boy. The talk continues for 4 stations as their naiveté reveals itself with each sentence. I want to say something, but stop myself in time.

Its not my bubble to break.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

What is it?

What is it with me and work ?

My last job was an out of college, "lets take what I get",  doe eyed experience,
where I entered the world of IT alongside hundreds of other graduates, fresh off the college boat . The training lasted 3 months which were all about sizing up the competition, enjoying your freedom and the general partying your life away. Then came the exams, which made us miss our mommies. Some got through them with ease, others struggled with second attempts and some with still more attempts. At the the end, those of us left  thanked God profusely and breathed a sigh of relief.

A month of respite and we got projects, a lot of time was spent in getting acclimatised with the new environment, the people and the general feeling of important work happening all around you.

I got a Bangalore project and happily joined and figured out in a month that I didn't like any of my teammates and that I would stick to being in office from 9-6 and run home any opportunity I got. Of course most of this, in retrospect, had to do with the fact that I never found any of the work too interesting.

Then marriage happened and I moved to the Noida office. If I thought the older team was bad, this team was like a culture shock, you wondered how people who had been working for years had no etiquette and could look past any semblance of a work culture. But time taught me that work culture or any culture for that matter, sometimes had little to do with how long you've been working. It has more to do with who you are, as a person and how much you are willing to learn from what life has to offer.
I dreaded going to work every morning for a good 4-5 months, cause hardly anyone would talk to me (and vice-versa) and cause I felt heavily under-confident about the work I could do.

Slowly and steadily I started working, and started blocking out any seemingly personal issues the team or the teammates had. I focussed on my work and formed good working relationships easily. Found a group of friends, and got good at my job.I spent more time at work, working feverishly towards whatever it is that I needed to achieve that day. I felt indebted to a particular supervisor, who in his brutish manner made me start from scratch over and over again till I dreamt in code. I believe we all need one of those.

And I stopped dreading going to work, some days I even looked forward to it, I knew what my absence would mean for the project. I knew I was important.It was My job.

With this realisation, came the urge to do more. I knew that staying in this job wouldn't really take me anywhere, not anytime soon anyway. I was comfortable and good at what I was doing, but there wasn't any career growth.

I had some confidence in me now, I gave an interview, then another and found myself with an offer that would pay well and whose I ideology I thought I identified with. It was a smaller company and the complete opposite of where I was working, It was younger and "cooler".

I took it, I bid adieu to the old job and happily traded in my cozy cab rides for the metro every day.

Here I am at the new job, it pays better and is right in all respects, but again I have trouble fitting in. There have been a day or two where I have worked and felt satisfied as a professional, but there are days where I see no purpose in getting up every day only to stare at my monitor 10 hours a day.

I know in my head that this will pass as work flows in, but my pessimism sometimes overtakes my practicality and I am left stranded.

So here's hoping I will fall in love with my job again.

Here's hoping I'll feel fulfilled professionally once more.






Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Finding me. . .

I still recall my first day of college, Mum dropped me to the main building, off I went clutching my bag and not letting anyone see the fear my eyes held. There weren't any classes, just orientation sessions that left me disoriented for the most part. I didn't make any friends, I just politely nodded at people and smiled back.

At four, my first day at college had ended and I finally heard my growling stomach. Someone pointed me to the cafeteria.

As I entered, the hullabaloo of college students hit me, frightened me. I stood in front of the large menu for ages, trying to make up my mind. Feeling deeply self conscious.  I fumbled with the money in my new wallet, took out a twenty and found my voice, "Bhaiyya, ek pepsi." He grumbled and slid me a coupon.

I bought my pepsi and sat at the farthest table, drank it trying to pacify my stomach. I felt like a hundred people were staring at me, which is why I didn't buy any food. I wanted this to be over.

You see, I didn't know how to have lunch without someone's reassuring presence.

That was day one.

For four years after that, that same cafeteria saw me sit down for lunch, breakfast, dinner, tea and a whole bunch of nonchalant - miss- the class- meals - never once was I alone.

Today, as I sat in the metro, flipping through my book as one station passed after another, I carelessly looked up to notice a girl standing in the far corner, near the door. Bag held tightly, rooted to the spot and eyes scanning the compartment nervously, She caught me looking at her and averted her gaze. I returned to my book.

"Give it time", I said to her mentally "In time you shall find friends, who make the crowds faceless. Give it time, you'll find yourself."

Like I did, I found myself and never found myself alone after that day. I realised I always had an ear for my troubles, someone like minded.

So Cheer up, You got yourself. 

Monday, January 14, 2013

Developments

I quit my job. . .  I did.

I quit when I finally got good at it, when people started relying on me. I quit when I became party to the gossip rather than be the subject, when I made friends there. But I quit when I learnt what I had to and I knew it was time to move on.

Its been a month now, I left the job in Noida and moved to one in Gurgaon. I take the metro to work now. I've been catching up steadily on my reading, finishing Life of Pi and reading Wodehouse, which makes me laugh out loud in a crowded compartment causing much embarrassment. .

My birthday came and went. . . Priya came and went.

I am wondering now where my writing went, where that little writing bug which lived i me went. . .
I read wonderful things these days, I gasp at the beauty of people's writing but cant get myself to write anymore.

Dont know what happened.

This post was propelled by a college classmate asking me if I still blogged.

Yes, I wanted to say. . .and do some justice to it.

Will try to be more regular.