Thursday, January 31, 2013

What is it?

What is it with me and work ?

My last job was an out of college, "lets take what I get",  doe eyed experience,
where I entered the world of IT alongside hundreds of other graduates, fresh off the college boat . The training lasted 3 months which were all about sizing up the competition, enjoying your freedom and the general partying your life away. Then came the exams, which made us miss our mommies. Some got through them with ease, others struggled with second attempts and some with still more attempts. At the the end, those of us left  thanked God profusely and breathed a sigh of relief.

A month of respite and we got projects, a lot of time was spent in getting acclimatised with the new environment, the people and the general feeling of important work happening all around you.

I got a Bangalore project and happily joined and figured out in a month that I didn't like any of my teammates and that I would stick to being in office from 9-6 and run home any opportunity I got. Of course most of this, in retrospect, had to do with the fact that I never found any of the work too interesting.

Then marriage happened and I moved to the Noida office. If I thought the older team was bad, this team was like a culture shock, you wondered how people who had been working for years had no etiquette and could look past any semblance of a work culture. But time taught me that work culture or any culture for that matter, sometimes had little to do with how long you've been working. It has more to do with who you are, as a person and how much you are willing to learn from what life has to offer.
I dreaded going to work every morning for a good 4-5 months, cause hardly anyone would talk to me (and vice-versa) and cause I felt heavily under-confident about the work I could do.

Slowly and steadily I started working, and started blocking out any seemingly personal issues the team or the teammates had. I focussed on my work and formed good working relationships easily. Found a group of friends, and got good at my job.I spent more time at work, working feverishly towards whatever it is that I needed to achieve that day. I felt indebted to a particular supervisor, who in his brutish manner made me start from scratch over and over again till I dreamt in code. I believe we all need one of those.

And I stopped dreading going to work, some days I even looked forward to it, I knew what my absence would mean for the project. I knew I was important.It was My job.

With this realisation, came the urge to do more. I knew that staying in this job wouldn't really take me anywhere, not anytime soon anyway. I was comfortable and good at what I was doing, but there wasn't any career growth.

I had some confidence in me now, I gave an interview, then another and found myself with an offer that would pay well and whose I ideology I thought I identified with. It was a smaller company and the complete opposite of where I was working, It was younger and "cooler".

I took it, I bid adieu to the old job and happily traded in my cozy cab rides for the metro every day.

Here I am at the new job, it pays better and is right in all respects, but again I have trouble fitting in. There have been a day or two where I have worked and felt satisfied as a professional, but there are days where I see no purpose in getting up every day only to stare at my monitor 10 hours a day.

I know in my head that this will pass as work flows in, but my pessimism sometimes overtakes my practicality and I am left stranded.

So here's hoping I will fall in love with my job again.

Here's hoping I'll feel fulfilled professionally once more.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Finding me. . .

I still recall my first day of college, Mum dropped me to the main building, off I went clutching my bag and not letting anyone see the fear my eyes held. There weren't any classes, just orientation sessions that left me disoriented for the most part. I didn't make any friends, I just politely nodded at people and smiled back.

At four, my first day at college had ended and I finally heard my growling stomach. Someone pointed me to the cafeteria.

As I entered, the hullabaloo of college students hit me, frightened me. I stood in front of the large menu for ages, trying to make up my mind. Feeling deeply self conscious.  I fumbled with the money in my new wallet, took out a twenty and found my voice, "Bhaiyya, ek pepsi." He grumbled and slid me a coupon.

I bought my pepsi and sat at the farthest table, drank it trying to pacify my stomach. I felt like a hundred people were staring at me, which is why I didn't buy any food. I wanted this to be over.

You see, I didn't know how to have lunch without someone's reassuring presence.

That was day one.

For four years after that, that same cafeteria saw me sit down for lunch, breakfast, dinner, tea and a whole bunch of nonchalant - miss- the class- meals - never once was I alone.

Today, as I sat in the metro, flipping through my book as one station passed after another, I carelessly looked up to notice a girl standing in the far corner, near the door. Bag held tightly, rooted to the spot and eyes scanning the compartment nervously, She caught me looking at her and averted her gaze. I returned to my book.

"Give it time", I said to her mentally "In time you shall find friends, who make the crowds faceless. Give it time, you'll find yourself."

Like I did, I found myself and never found myself alone after that day. I realised I always had an ear for my troubles, someone like minded.

So Cheer up, You got yourself. 

Monday, January 14, 2013


I quit my job. . .  I did.

I quit when I finally got good at it, when people started relying on me. I quit when I became party to the gossip rather than be the subject, when I made friends there. But I quit when I learnt what I had to and I knew it was time to move on.

Its been a month now, I left the job in Noida and moved to one in Gurgaon. I take the metro to work now. I've been catching up steadily on my reading, finishing Life of Pi and reading Wodehouse, which makes me laugh out loud in a crowded compartment causing much embarrassment. .

My birthday came and went. . . Priya came and went.

I am wondering now where my writing went, where that little writing bug which lived i me went. . .
I read wonderful things these days, I gasp at the beauty of people's writing but cant get myself to write anymore.

Dont know what happened.

This post was propelled by a college classmate asking me if I still blogged.

Yes, I wanted to say. . .and do some justice to it.

Will try to be more regular.