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I think the worst feeling is when you pee on a pregnancy test to convince yourself that you're wrong,  that this time it might have happened, that another month will not pass, pregnant only with hope.

When you yearn for a child, when you feel like your body is failing you, when you look up to God in despair, When you secretly detest the colleague who got pregnant with her second one without trying.

I am sitting here with a massive hole in my heart which aches, which brings on tears without any prompting, How can I cry over something that never was, that didn't exist?

Wasn't it me who didn't want to see a doctor anymore? Who didn't want to count days, didn't want the mechanical sex and countless ultrasounds?

And yet, here I am, Angry and dealing with primary infertility (as my doctor puts it).

Dear God,

I'll be fantastic mother, just try me.

Love,

A sad Me.



Restoring Faith

So I never told you that our backyard got taken over by a pregnant dog about a month ago, soon after she gave birth and there were 4 pups that were jumping about playing in the garden, messing up TL's attempts to grow vegetables. One of them was a tiny white fur-ball with brown patches, it had taken refuge under a big chair just near the door, away from his siblings. He'd while away time playing with furniture, falling off of things and being afraid of water. He was a loner, and quite content. We'd go see him every other morning and feed him some milk while we were at it, but of course he was more interested in chewing the TL's slippers than the milk he was being fed. I named him Bubble Gum.
A couple of days ago, a little girl took Bubble Gum away. I cried when I found out. He was slow and gentle, the fast paced world was bound to crush his spirit, I prayed for him to be happy wherever he was and wished him a lot of comfortable furniture.I'd miss him. I didn't…

This balance. . . .

It is so difficult to understand, this balance in life. To balance love and life, to balance life and work, to balance love and hate, to balance what you should do and what you want to do. . . phew! no wonder we're all so exhausted at the end of the day.

My current crisis is this balance at work, I was in a heavy paced job which satisfied me professionally but left no room for me to be a person and interact with others. So I found a job which would give me a routine, a 9 to 5, a sense of not over doing it. In return I gave up the passion that I found in writing pieces of code that blew my mind away. It feels like I find always something to complain about lately, but the thing is, this balance thing is hard to get.

I come to work every day and leave at 6 every day, the in betweens aren't much to talk about, aren't much to think about. That upsets me.

Lean In

So remember I told you that I'd become a corporate slave? and how the quality of people around me has plummeted? Well, I got a job offer and a chance to possibly get out of this rut, It pays better and offers a challenge, but I'm in a dilemma.

The current job will offer comfort and support which will be helpful when /if I go take a longish maternity break. But it will also affect my employ-ability gravely, I wont learn anything except perhaps some water cooler politics. I honestly see nothing else to gain from this apart from a 'work-life' balance.

The offered job will be more challenging and out of my comfort zone, but more money and more work. I remember Sheryl Sandberg's words as I ponder over this , “The cost of stability is often diminished opportunities for growth” .

Does a work-life balance truly exist? Is it something that can be brought on  by a few changes?

“There is no perfect fit when you're looking for the next big thing to do. You have to take opp…

The hills are alive. . . .

So after being married for a couple of years and hearing endlessly about his Kasauli escapades, The Lawyer finally took me there, almost on whim, we started planning this weekend getaway. We called Bhaskar, who called his neighbors and off we went in 2 cars on a 7 hour drive to the hills. So it wasn't all impromptu, but it was as spontaneous as we could get.

We stopped along highways, at dhabas for tea and tiger biscuits, then stopped again for dal paranthas. We stopped at Timer Trails near Parwanoo for drinks and it was a beautiful property. We reached Kasauli at 1 pm and checked into our nice hotel.

We were taken by the tranquility of the place, and the pace. The pace of people not hurrying along to get anywhere, the pace slowed down by nature and steeping hills. Sky high pine trees and monkeys, and flowers. Peonies, roses and a sea of poppies.

It was a sight which no camera could capture and put up on facebook for others to admire, I took pictures only to remind myself of that…

Choosing Life instead.

Back when The Lawyer and I weren't married, in the year of the long long phone calls (and longer phone bills), 'I want four kids', I told him, nonchalantly.

Over the phone I could feel his eyes widen and repeat 'FOUR kids?', I was 22, I'd read enough and seen enough to decide that I was going to rear a large family,well I was going to whip up meals and build a beautiful home, and my children would be the light of my life, doesn't that sound like Molly Weasely from Harry Potter?, but that's what I wanted.

TL on the other hand, wasn't quite the Arthur Weasely and wisely negotiated and brought the number down to 2. I moped around and thought I'd have 3, if not more. Had plans to sneak the 3rd one in.

We got married soon after and I was on the pill till the first anniversary, then we decided to try and have a baby. It was the right time by everyone's standards, we could conceive and have a baby by our second anniversary, yup that's how thes…

aw crap. . .

I am usually very wary of labeling a day bad, I am superstitious, it makes me feel like I'm jinxing the rest of the day. But today, 2 hours into the day I'm feeling like its a crappy crappy day. I woke up an hour later than my alarm time, rushed through some half baked cooking etc, knowing that the house and the kitchen are messy is making my blood boil (I'm OCD that way) and I showed up to work where I'm discovering everyday what a sarkari mentality the people here have.

My father in law's 60 birthday is coming up, and tradition demands that we have an elaborate function in Chennai in July (ew, heat!), so the task of booking the tickets fell to me. Normally I do this sort of thing quite well, but man this time I screwed up and how, I booked tickets on the wrong date and it randomly caught my eye today. The result? well I paid a good 5 grand to rectify this mistake and have been on a guilt trip since then.

ew ew ew!
It has begun, the job hating, its already here.

I don't like these goons who surround me, yes yes I know, I might be the problem after all, since I dont like anyone initially but baaaah, I hate this crassness. God, find me a classy job.

holding on to hope

First off, I took two days off from work, just cause. . . .on Wednesday I actually finished up all the cooking and left for office, boarded the metro and got off two stations later, something about that voice in my head. I walked to a nearby temple, and then went back home. It was like one of those seize the day commercials were playing in my head.And Thursday I just didn't feel like getting off my . . .derriere.

Honestly, this month i thought I was almost there, that I would pee on a stick and it would show me the two pink lines of joy, but I tried it this morning and it didn't. Then mid morning I was down, and let go of any hope.

I don't know how to feel really, somewhere inside I am a tiny bit okay with all this, something reminds me that I am 25 and all this is very premature anxiety. I remind myself that for 25 and 30 yr olds, my husband and I are doing fine in life, providing for our family, parents and siblings. I remind myself not to feel inadequate by setbacks li…

Doctor's orders!

ah, hello there. I'm back, I took an impromptu off yesterday and here I am, back at my desk. . . being invisible, so much fun.

On an unrelated note,  I just watched Hasee toh Phasee, and that Siddharth Malhotra has been making me feel all kinds of sensations, he's in that list now, right up there with Randeep Hooda, John Abraham, Ranveer Singh. . . sigh! (Farhan - sexy-voice- Akhtar used to be in that list, but he kind of lost the plot with Shadi ke side effects), but back to Mr. Malhotra, with him I realized that I have a type, the tall and sexy, luckily the universe was in the know a long time ago, coz the lawyer falls right into that category, the man is 5'10" and . . .well. . . moving on.. . .

So the doctor visits continue on the side, these days she does the internal ultrasound and throws complicated words at us, like the follicle has ruptured and is on its way, we blink and wait for the English translation. What follows is a gargantuan effort to not laugh in he…

Nostalgia and ramblings. . .

So I reread the blog a bit, turns out I'm a bit of a dhakka start when it comes to my job, its a pattern really, take the first job for example, it was weeks, nay months before I came into my own and started enjoying it. You'd think when I finally switched jobs and joined a start-up I'd be loaded with work right from day one, nope, I just read an old post of mine where a month into that job I was lamenting about how I saw no point in waking up and braving a chilly December morning only to stare at the monitor all day.

Here I am, third job, decent pay, dreary office, 2 weeks in and watching sitcoms on my phone. I'm lounging about, didn't go to the gym this morning, just . . .aiwen hi.

I finished watch How I met Your Mother yesterday , although it got superbly boring for a while there, I still got sad when it ended, I remember how it was the next big thing after Friends  and all my hosteler friends couldn't stop raving about it. Now its funny that not many of th…

How things are. . .

So since we last spoke, 2 things happened, I joined the office gym and have been going for the past few days. It does fee good to be on the treadmill everyday and run a little bit longer each time, but I have this tiny suspicion that I might no last, as usual. But I'm going to try anyways. Oh, I went to the gym today for 10 mins though, I blame it on fridays!

The other thing that has happened behind your back, is that I consulted a doctor on the conception thing. As I laid out the facts to her, part of me wanted to run out of the room while part of me was filled with hope, that this might help. So what she asked of me was this, she gave me specific days to go get an ultrasound done and basically monitor my uterus to see if everything was fine. Now the thing about this ultrasound is that its an internal!. . . so the kind doctor takes this stick like equipment and ..er...sticks it in. Its literally poking around in somebody's business. The last ultrasound wasn't great, I me…

Bitten. . . .

. . . . . by the travel bug.

2014 ignited in me a fervent passion for travel, there are some passing days when I sit up take notice and feel this need to travel like there's no tomorrow, this urgency to see the world and drink in all that it offers, to walk unfamiliar cobblestone pathways and fill journal after journal with the details.

I feel blessed for the experiences I've had so far, for the memories I've made, the chill in the air in Australia, the beaming sunshine of San Fran, the madness of Goa, the lap of luxury in Napa Valley, and yet as I recount these memories, I feel there's so much more to do.

On idle days like these, I sit here making my imaginary plans for buying Eurail passes from France to Germany or seeing the theatre in London. My mind is pulled in a hundred different directions, stretched to its limits, its like I want to see it all,go everywhere.

So here's my list, the places I wish to cover in the next 5 years, let's see if I can will lif…

New beginnings. . . ?

So its been a while since we last spoke, In my hiatus, I read a bevy of great blogs ad books, went through some ups and downs in life but could never really come here and put my thoughts to paper.

Why am I here now?

Because I started a new job, its my third day at work and I have nothing to do. I can't run from the blog no more.

Lets start from the very beginning shall we?, Last you heard I knew I had a bad job, I was confused about what to do further and I was beggining to realise that probably other places I was interviewing for would be worse for me than this office.

So this is what happened after that, It dawned upon me that the place I worked in wasnt bad, it was pretty transparent and they recognised my potential, perhaps better than I did. But my problem was that I could juggle the work and my personal life, I had none to speak of, here I was married and living with my in laws, and slogging it out for 10 hours everyday at work, and then some more by taking calls from home.…