Friday, November 14, 2014

I think the worst feeling is when you pee on a pregnancy test to convince yourself that you're wrong,  that this time it might have happened, that another month will not pass, pregnant only with hope.

When you yearn for a child, when you feel like your body is failing you, when you look up to God in despair, When you secretly detest the colleague who got pregnant with her second one without trying.

I am sitting here with a massive hole in my heart which aches, which brings on tears without any prompting, How can I cry over something that never was, that didn't exist?

Wasn't it me who didn't want to see a doctor anymore? Who didn't want to count days, didn't want the mechanical sex and countless ultrasounds?

And yet, here I am, Angry and dealing with primary infertility (as my doctor puts it).

Dear God,

I'll be fantastic mother, just try me.


A sad Me.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Restoring Faith

So I never told you that our backyard got taken over by a pregnant dog about a month ago, soon after she gave birth and there were 4 pups that were jumping about playing in the garden, messing up TL's attempts to grow vegetables. One of them was a tiny white fur-ball with brown patches, it had taken refuge under a big chair just near the door, away from his siblings. He'd while away time playing with furniture, falling off of things and being afraid of water. He was a loner, and quite content. We'd go see him every other morning and feed him some milk while we were at it, but of course he was more interested in chewing the TL's slippers than the milk he was being fed. I named him Bubble Gum.

A couple of days ago, a little girl took Bubble Gum away. I cried when I found out. He was slow and gentle, the fast paced world was bound to crush his spirit, I prayed for him to be happy wherever he was and wished him a lot of comfortable furniture.I'd miss him. I didn't want to see any of the other pups without him there.

This morning Bubblegum found his way back home, my heart did a tiny flip when he settled his little furry body on the big chair and went about chewing it, he was back to his happy place and I was back to mine.

It restored my wavering faith in God today.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

This balance. . . .

It is so difficult to understand, this balance in life. To balance love and life, to balance life and work, to balance love and hate, to balance what you should do and what you want to do. . . phew! no wonder we're all so exhausted at the end of the day.

My current crisis is this balance at work, I was in a heavy paced job which satisfied me professionally but left no room for me to be a person and interact with others. So I found a job which would give me a routine, a 9 to 5, a sense of not over doing it. In return I gave up the passion that I found in writing pieces of code that blew my mind away. It feels like I find always something to complain about lately, but the thing is, this balance thing is hard to get.

I come to work every day and leave at 6 every day, the in betweens aren't much to talk about, aren't much to think about. That upsets me. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Lean In

So remember I told you that I'd become a corporate slave? and how the quality of people around me has plummeted? Well, I got a job offer and a chance to possibly get out of this rut, It pays better and offers a challenge, but I'm in a dilemma.

The current job will offer comfort and support which will be helpful when /if I go take a longish maternity break. But it will also affect my employ-ability gravely, I wont learn anything except perhaps some water cooler politics. I honestly see nothing else to gain from this apart from a 'work-life' balance.

The offered job will be more challenging and out of my comfort zone, but more money and more work. I remember Sheryl Sandberg's words as I ponder over this , “The cost of stability is often diminished opportunities for growth” .

Does a work-life balance truly exist? Is it something that can be brought on  by a few changes?

“There is no perfect fit when you're looking for the next big thing to do. You have to take opportunities and make an opportunity fit for you, rather than the other way around. The ability to learn is the most important quality a leader can have.” 

Sunday, May 18, 2014

The hills are alive. . . .

So after being married for a couple of years and hearing endlessly about his Kasauli escapades, The Lawyer finally took me there, almost on whim, we started planning this weekend getaway. We called Bhaskar, who called his neighbors and off we went in 2 cars on a 7 hour drive to the hills. So it wasn't all impromptu, but it was as spontaneous as we could get.

We stopped along highways, at dhabas for tea and tiger biscuits, then stopped again for dal paranthas. We stopped at Timer Trails near Parwanoo for drinks and it was a beautiful property. We reached Kasauli at 1 pm and checked into our nice hotel.

We were taken by the tranquility of the place, and the pace. The pace of people not hurrying along to get anywhere, the pace slowed down by nature and steeping hills. Sky high pine trees and monkeys, and flowers. Peonies, roses and a sea of poppies.

It was a sight which no camera could capture and put up on facebook for others to admire, I took pictures only to remind myself of that moment, where I sat on the stone steps of an idyllic house, the smell of a wood fire around me and felt at peace. I saw monkeys sleeping on trees and that's not something that a camera does justice to.

It was a peaceful feeling, I'm so glad I went.


Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Choosing Life instead.

Back when The Lawyer and I weren't married, in the year of the long long phone calls (and longer phone bills), 'I want four kids', I told him, nonchalantly.

Over the phone I could feel his eyes widen and repeat 'FOUR kids?', I was 22, I'd read enough and seen enough to decide that I was going to rear a large family,well I was going to whip up meals and build a beautiful home, and my children would be the light of my life, doesn't that sound like Molly Weasely from Harry Potter?, but that's what I wanted.

TL on the other hand, wasn't quite the Arthur Weasely and wisely negotiated and brought the number down to 2. I moped around and thought I'd have 3, if not more. Had plans to sneak the 3rd one in.

We got married soon after and I was on the pill till the first anniversary, then we decided to try and have a baby. It was the right time by everyone's standards, we could conceive and have a baby by our second anniversary, yup that's how these things are done. Well, we happily complied.

And then the disappointment began, month after month, we tried and I got my period every month, every disappointment seems a tad bigger when its not yours alone to cry over, it wasn't just ours, no. It bothered the parents, the in laws and I think, my neighbors + dogs too.

So it was suggested I go to the doctor, I got a bunch of tests but the one elderly obgyn I went to shattered my confidence to the core, she commented on my lifestyle and repeatedly told me that I was fat, she asked me to reduce my diet to daal and eat that the entire day. This went on for a few days, I was asked to get a battery of tests done, everything from hepatitis to thyroid. Nothing obviously wrong, she handed me back my file with a disapproving look and a comment about my weight again. I didn't go back to her. No. I was 24 and didn't want someone making me feel bad about who I was, I am all for fitness but must I get on a treadmill much against my wish and feel like shit?

Does this sound like an excuse to you? I went to work came back, helped around the house and I did not have the time. I'm sure I will understand and appreciate the significance of exercise in my life, but that will have to be a conclusion I reach on my own, thank you very much.

So there I was, doctor less and child less. My sister in law was pregnant now, and I know I know, I wanted to be too and looked up at God with a question mark on my face.

We got through her pregnancy and we still weren't pregnant, she had her baby, we fell in love with her baby but still were not pregnant. On much insistence, I went to the sister in law's doctor, she was calm and comforting. She prescribed a follicular study, to determine if my uterus was functioning correctly, well after a month of being poked and prodded, she declared my uterus healthy. The next course of action was being told when to do it, did I mention its difficult to make love when its a prescription rather than passion? That was last month, and I was "still" not pregnant.

I am 25, all everyone around me has managed to instill in me is a feeling that the clock is ticking, suddenly 30 doesn't seem that far.In the middle of the day, I'd be filled with dread , what if I Never have kids

This post to let the universe know that I am not putting my life on hold anymore, I still have hope, I still want 4 kids, but I am not going to a doctor, if it happens, it happens, else ? Else it does not.

I love my husband, I want to remember that. He deserves more than a weepy lump he has to comfort every second day. He's a good man, I hope we become parents, but I wont not plan a trip to London in December because I think I might be pregnant by then.

I am choosing to live in the meanwhile , is that ok?

Sunday, May 4, 2014

aw crap. . .

I am usually very wary of labeling a day bad, I am superstitious, it makes me feel like I'm jinxing the rest of the day. But today, 2 hours into the day I'm feeling like its a crappy crappy day. I woke up an hour later than my alarm time, rushed through some half baked cooking etc, knowing that the house and the kitchen are messy is making my blood boil (I'm OCD that way) and I showed up to work where I'm discovering everyday what a sarkari mentality the people here have.

My father in law's 60 birthday is coming up, and tradition demands that we have an elaborate function in Chennai in July (ew, heat!), so the task of booking the tickets fell to me. Normally I do this sort of thing quite well, but man this time I screwed up and how, I booked tickets on the wrong date and it randomly caught my eye today. The result? well I paid a good 5 grand to rectify this mistake and have been on a guilt trip since then.

ew ew ew!

Friday, May 2, 2014

It has begun, the job hating, its already here.

I don't like these goons who surround me, yes yes I know, I might be the problem after all, since I dont like anyone initially but baaaah, I hate this crassness. God, find me a classy job.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

holding on to hope

First off, I took two days off from work, just cause. . . .on Wednesday I actually finished up all the cooking and left for office, boarded the metro and got off two stations later, something about that voice in my head. I walked to a nearby temple, and then went back home. It was like one of those seize the day commercials were playing in my head.And Thursday I just didn't feel like getting off my . . .derriere.

Honestly, this month i thought I was almost there, that I would pee on a stick and it would show me the two pink lines of joy, but I tried it this morning and it didn't. Then mid morning I was down, and let go of any hope.

I don't know how to feel really, somewhere inside I am a tiny bit okay with all this, something reminds me that I am 25 and all this is very premature anxiety. I remind myself that for 25 and 30 yr olds, my husband and I are doing fine in life, providing for our family, parents and siblings. I remind myself not to feel inadequate by setbacks like these every month for maybe they aren't really setbacks.

Haven't I learnt anything ? , I ask myself, I have been working 4 years and when I started out in 2010, fresh out of college, I was flunking all my training papers in the first job I had. I was in a different city, far from home and miserable for I knew I'd flunk my paper the next day, I remember sitting in public buses, staring out the windows with tears flowing down my face, I thought it was the end of the world. But I got through that, the world didn't end. A colleague who didn't get through, and flunked out of the company, the world didn't end for him either. Everything is a crisis when we are in the midst of it, in retrospect they all seem a bit smaller, less dense.

I am going to hang on to hope a while longer, and enjoy life along the way. If I am meant to have a baby I will, I'll try my best to get there faster but if not I wont pass up the chances to be great at something else. Who knows, I might end up a CEO or a wedding photographer or something.

So that's the Friday pep talk, folks! Hang in there.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Doctor's orders!

ah, hello there. I'm back, I took an impromptu off yesterday and here I am, back at my desk. . . being invisible, so much fun.

On an unrelated note,  I just watched Hasee toh Phasee, and that Siddharth Malhotra has been making me feel all kinds of sensations, he's in that list now, right up there with Randeep Hooda, John Abraham, Ranveer Singh. . . sigh! (Farhan - sexy-voice- Akhtar used to be in that list, but he kind of lost the plot with Shadi ke side effects), but back to Mr. Malhotra, with him I realized that I have a type, the tall and sexy, luckily the universe was in the know a long time ago, coz the lawyer falls right into that category, the man is 5'10" and . . .well. . . moving on.. . .

So the doctor visits continue on the side, these days she does the internal ultrasound and throws complicated words at us, like the follicle has ruptured and is on its way, we blink and wait for the English translation. What follows is a gargantuan effort to not laugh in her face, she basically tells us to go do it (you know, canoodle). and adding insult to injury she tells us, preferably once a night, don't exhaust yourselves. . . .errr. . . So last evening she wrote me a prescription that said do it tonight and early tomorrow morning and then again tomorrow night and try it on 19th if you can. Thanks Doc, this isn't weird at all.

Early morning! This baby better be grateful as and when it gets out.

Going back to being invisible now, Ciao.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Nostalgia and ramblings. . .

So I reread the blog a bit, turns out I'm a bit of a dhakka start when it comes to my job, its a pattern really, take the first job for example, it was weeks, nay months before I came into my own and started enjoying it. You'd think when I finally switched jobs and joined a start-up I'd be loaded with work right from day one, nope, I just read an old post of mine where a month into that job I was lamenting about how I saw no point in waking up and braving a chilly December morning only to stare at the monitor all day.

Here I am, third job, decent pay, dreary office, 2 weeks in and watching sitcoms on my phone. I'm lounging about, didn't go to the gym this morning, just . . .aiwen hi.

I finished watch How I met Your Mother yesterday , although it got superbly boring for a while there, I still got sad when it ended, I remember how it was the next big thing after Friends  and all my hosteler friends couldn't stop raving about it. Now its funny that not many of those friends are around to discuss these things with.

Do you ever suffer from bouts of nostalgia? It catches me unaware often, I am walking out of a crowded metro station and I think I spot a familiar face, sometimes the sun shines a particular way and brings back memories of college and how we bunked classes on a whim, sometimes I want to call them, but I realize most of the times, reality has the better of us, even if we could travel the distance and sit across from one another for the first time in 4 years, we'd probably have nothing to say. It will be too arduous to explain the people that we have become. Even the shows that we watched together are ending, now I don't know what you guys watch anymore. Do you, like me, watch Modern Family? Suits, perhaps?

I don't think I'll find out. . .

Its the end of an era ?

Thursday, April 10, 2014

How things are. . .

So since we last spoke, 2 things happened, I joined the office gym and have been going for the past few days. It does fee good to be on the treadmill everyday and run a little bit longer each time, but I have this tiny suspicion that I might no last, as usual. But I'm going to try anyways. Oh, I went to the gym today for 10 mins though, I blame it on fridays!

The other thing that has happened behind your back, is that I consulted a doctor on the conception thing. As I laid out the facts to her, part of me wanted to run out of the room while part of me was filled with hope, that this might help. So what she asked of me was this, she gave me specific days to go get an ultrasound done and basically monitor my uterus to see if everything was fine. Now the thing about this ultrasound is that its an internal!. . . so the kind doctor takes this stick like equipment and it in. Its literally poking around in somebody's business. The last ultrasound wasn't great, I mean she says nothing is wrong as such but things aren't on track as they should be. It's not the best feeling in the world.

It sucks when you can't stop thinking about it and start playing the blame game. You blame yourself mostly. and it ain't good. I've always wanted kids, always, my mum always worked when I was little so I have this overcompensation thing going on somewhere which makes me want to be Mother India, have babies and tend daintily to their every need. Sometimes in life, the more you run after something the more it runs away from you, the ideal remedy is for you to play hard to get, well much easier said than done.

I'll admit it, its a bit of pressure to have kids too,like this post puts it so well. I'm not in her shoes, as I want to have kids but this whole "my uterus is your business" gets to me too.

Ah now I am ranting.

Anyways, so thats the update. will keep you posted. Ciao!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Bitten. . . .

. . . . . by the travel bug.

2014 ignited in me a fervent passion for travel, there are some passing days when I sit up take notice and feel this need to travel like there's no tomorrow, this urgency to see the world and drink in all that it offers, to walk unfamiliar cobblestone pathways and fill journal after journal with the details.

I feel blessed for the experiences I've had so far, for the memories I've made, the chill in the air in Australia, the beaming sunshine of San Fran, the madness of Goa, the lap of luxury in Napa Valley, and yet as I recount these memories, I feel there's so much more to do.

On idle days like these, I sit here making my imaginary plans for buying Eurail passes from France to Germany or seeing the theatre in London. My mind is pulled in a hundred different directions, stretched to its limits, its like I want to see it all,go everywhere.

So here's my list, the places I wish to cover in the next 5 years, let's see if I can will life into complying.

1. London : I have visions of walking down Trafalgar Square in trench coats and being uber nice to polite Brits, blimey!

2. Paris : Once before I die, please God please!

3. Bangkok : A relaxed holiday, a spa and lots of bargain shopping. Bliss!

4. Berlin : Honestly, Germany scares me a bit, what with all the history, but I'd like to go there to discover if in fact it too is a normal place with normal people.

5. New York : Manhattan!

Life, are you listening?

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

New beginnings. . . ?

So its been a while since we last spoke, In my hiatus, I read a bevy of great blogs ad books, went through some ups and downs in life but could never really come here and put my thoughts to paper.

Why am I here now?

Because I started a new job, its my third day at work and I have nothing to do. I can't run from the blog no more.

Lets start from the very beginning shall we?, Last you heard I knew I had a bad job, I was confused about what to do further and I was beggining to realise that probably other places I was interviewing for would be worse for me than this office.

So this is what happened after that, It dawned upon me that the place I worked in wasnt bad, it was pretty transparent and they recognised my potential, perhaps better than I did. But my problem was that I could juggle the work and my personal life, I had none to speak of, here I was married and living with my in laws, and slogging it out for 10 hours everyday at work, and then some more by taking calls from home. I had to quit this job coz from the looks of it, it was either this or my family. So I set out looking for a job which would be just that, a job. Not a passion that the previous one was, one that would be 9-5, detached and structured. One I wouldnt have bad dreams about, one I wouldnt care about on vacation.

I found one just like that, the money was good, the location was suitable and I joined.

I am sitting here, in this soul-less office with its 15 floors and terrible lighting, the employees here resemble each other like they were cut from the same moulds, we are after all the company we keep.

It feels like the first day of college, everything and everyone seems judgemental, thankfully I cope better now than I did in college. Hopefully.

So I've sold my soul to a corporate, I hope I make good money out of it and become indifferent enough to pursue my parallel life with gutso.

In other news, Bunty had a baby girl who is the center of our lives. After much deliberation they named her Ananya. She has us all dancing to her tunes and we feel overwhelming love when she smiles at us.

To the Lawyer and me, she feels like our own first baby, we've statyed up nights with her,changed diapers and made fools of ourselves amusing and entertaining her, we've given her a part of our hearts and hope she can always feel this love.

We've been trying to have a child for a while now, but as honestly as we want one something keeps coming in the way, it was mostly work but most of the times its also the stress of getting it this time that kills it. I cry everytime I realised another month passed by and there wasnt a little baby taking shape inside me.

The more I'm told to run from stress the more I run toward it, I binge eat and cry into my pillow, last night I fell asleep crying.

So I made a resolution to be more positive today, to not substitute food for other things and to be stronger.

I was angry at God yesterday, at his unfairness but I'm realizing today that it must be his way of teaching me patience.

I am waiting now.