Wednesday, May 28, 2014

This balance. . . .

It is so difficult to understand, this balance in life. To balance love and life, to balance life and work, to balance love and hate, to balance what you should do and what you want to do. . . phew! no wonder we're all so exhausted at the end of the day.

My current crisis is this balance at work, I was in a heavy paced job which satisfied me professionally but left no room for me to be a person and interact with others. So I found a job which would give me a routine, a 9 to 5, a sense of not over doing it. In return I gave up the passion that I found in writing pieces of code that blew my mind away. It feels like I find always something to complain about lately, but the thing is, this balance thing is hard to get.

I come to work every day and leave at 6 every day, the in betweens aren't much to talk about, aren't much to think about. That upsets me. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Lean In

So remember I told you that I'd become a corporate slave? and how the quality of people around me has plummeted? Well, I got a job offer and a chance to possibly get out of this rut, It pays better and offers a challenge, but I'm in a dilemma.

The current job will offer comfort and support which will be helpful when /if I go take a longish maternity break. But it will also affect my employ-ability gravely, I wont learn anything except perhaps some water cooler politics. I honestly see nothing else to gain from this apart from a 'work-life' balance.

The offered job will be more challenging and out of my comfort zone, but more money and more work. I remember Sheryl Sandberg's words as I ponder over this , “The cost of stability is often diminished opportunities for growth” .

Does a work-life balance truly exist? Is it something that can be brought on  by a few changes?

“There is no perfect fit when you're looking for the next big thing to do. You have to take opportunities and make an opportunity fit for you, rather than the other way around. The ability to learn is the most important quality a leader can have.” 

Sunday, May 18, 2014

The hills are alive. . . .

So after being married for a couple of years and hearing endlessly about his Kasauli escapades, The Lawyer finally took me there, almost on whim, we started planning this weekend getaway. We called Bhaskar, who called his neighbors and off we went in 2 cars on a 7 hour drive to the hills. So it wasn't all impromptu, but it was as spontaneous as we could get.

We stopped along highways, at dhabas for tea and tiger biscuits, then stopped again for dal paranthas. We stopped at Timer Trails near Parwanoo for drinks and it was a beautiful property. We reached Kasauli at 1 pm and checked into our nice hotel.

We were taken by the tranquility of the place, and the pace. The pace of people not hurrying along to get anywhere, the pace slowed down by nature and steeping hills. Sky high pine trees and monkeys, and flowers. Peonies, roses and a sea of poppies.

It was a sight which no camera could capture and put up on facebook for others to admire, I took pictures only to remind myself of that moment, where I sat on the stone steps of an idyllic house, the smell of a wood fire around me and felt at peace. I saw monkeys sleeping on trees and that's not something that a camera does justice to.

It was a peaceful feeling, I'm so glad I went.


Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Choosing Life instead.

Back when The Lawyer and I weren't married, in the year of the long long phone calls (and longer phone bills), 'I want four kids', I told him, nonchalantly.

Over the phone I could feel his eyes widen and repeat 'FOUR kids?', I was 22, I'd read enough and seen enough to decide that I was going to rear a large family,well I was going to whip up meals and build a beautiful home, and my children would be the light of my life, doesn't that sound like Molly Weasely from Harry Potter?, but that's what I wanted.

TL on the other hand, wasn't quite the Arthur Weasely and wisely negotiated and brought the number down to 2. I moped around and thought I'd have 3, if not more. Had plans to sneak the 3rd one in.

We got married soon after and I was on the pill till the first anniversary, then we decided to try and have a baby. It was the right time by everyone's standards, we could conceive and have a baby by our second anniversary, yup that's how these things are done. Well, we happily complied.

And then the disappointment began, month after month, we tried and I got my period every month, every disappointment seems a tad bigger when its not yours alone to cry over, it wasn't just ours, no. It bothered the parents, the in laws and I think, my neighbors + dogs too.

So it was suggested I go to the doctor, I got a bunch of tests but the one elderly obgyn I went to shattered my confidence to the core, she commented on my lifestyle and repeatedly told me that I was fat, she asked me to reduce my diet to daal and eat that the entire day. This went on for a few days, I was asked to get a battery of tests done, everything from hepatitis to thyroid. Nothing obviously wrong, she handed me back my file with a disapproving look and a comment about my weight again. I didn't go back to her. No. I was 24 and didn't want someone making me feel bad about who I was, I am all for fitness but must I get on a treadmill much against my wish and feel like shit?

Does this sound like an excuse to you? I went to work came back, helped around the house and I did not have the time. I'm sure I will understand and appreciate the significance of exercise in my life, but that will have to be a conclusion I reach on my own, thank you very much.

So there I was, doctor less and child less. My sister in law was pregnant now, and I know I know, I wanted to be too and looked up at God with a question mark on my face.

We got through her pregnancy and we still weren't pregnant, she had her baby, we fell in love with her baby but still were not pregnant. On much insistence, I went to the sister in law's doctor, she was calm and comforting. She prescribed a follicular study, to determine if my uterus was functioning correctly, well after a month of being poked and prodded, she declared my uterus healthy. The next course of action was being told when to do it, did I mention its difficult to make love when its a prescription rather than passion? That was last month, and I was "still" not pregnant.

I am 25, all everyone around me has managed to instill in me is a feeling that the clock is ticking, suddenly 30 doesn't seem that far.In the middle of the day, I'd be filled with dread , what if I Never have kids

This post to let the universe know that I am not putting my life on hold anymore, I still have hope, I still want 4 kids, but I am not going to a doctor, if it happens, it happens, else ? Else it does not.

I love my husband, I want to remember that. He deserves more than a weepy lump he has to comfort every second day. He's a good man, I hope we become parents, but I wont not plan a trip to London in December because I think I might be pregnant by then.

I am choosing to live in the meanwhile , is that ok?

Sunday, May 4, 2014

aw crap. . .

I am usually very wary of labeling a day bad, I am superstitious, it makes me feel like I'm jinxing the rest of the day. But today, 2 hours into the day I'm feeling like its a crappy crappy day. I woke up an hour later than my alarm time, rushed through some half baked cooking etc, knowing that the house and the kitchen are messy is making my blood boil (I'm OCD that way) and I showed up to work where I'm discovering everyday what a sarkari mentality the people here have.

My father in law's 60 birthday is coming up, and tradition demands that we have an elaborate function in Chennai in July (ew, heat!), so the task of booking the tickets fell to me. Normally I do this sort of thing quite well, but man this time I screwed up and how, I booked tickets on the wrong date and it randomly caught my eye today. The result? well I paid a good 5 grand to rectify this mistake and have been on a guilt trip since then.

ew ew ew!

Friday, May 2, 2014

It has begun, the job hating, its already here.

I don't like these goons who surround me, yes yes I know, I might be the problem after all, since I dont like anyone initially but baaaah, I hate this crassness. God, find me a classy job.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

holding on to hope

First off, I took two days off from work, just cause. . . .on Wednesday I actually finished up all the cooking and left for office, boarded the metro and got off two stations later, something about that voice in my head. I walked to a nearby temple, and then went back home. It was like one of those seize the day commercials were playing in my head.And Thursday I just didn't feel like getting off my . . .derriere.

Honestly, this month i thought I was almost there, that I would pee on a stick and it would show me the two pink lines of joy, but I tried it this morning and it didn't. Then mid morning I was down, and let go of any hope.

I don't know how to feel really, somewhere inside I am a tiny bit okay with all this, something reminds me that I am 25 and all this is very premature anxiety. I remind myself that for 25 and 30 yr olds, my husband and I are doing fine in life, providing for our family, parents and siblings. I remind myself not to feel inadequate by setbacks like these every month for maybe they aren't really setbacks.

Haven't I learnt anything ? , I ask myself, I have been working 4 years and when I started out in 2010, fresh out of college, I was flunking all my training papers in the first job I had. I was in a different city, far from home and miserable for I knew I'd flunk my paper the next day, I remember sitting in public buses, staring out the windows with tears flowing down my face, I thought it was the end of the world. But I got through that, the world didn't end. A colleague who didn't get through, and flunked out of the company, the world didn't end for him either. Everything is a crisis when we are in the midst of it, in retrospect they all seem a bit smaller, less dense.

I am going to hang on to hope a while longer, and enjoy life along the way. If I am meant to have a baby I will, I'll try my best to get there faster but if not I wont pass up the chances to be great at something else. Who knows, I might end up a CEO or a wedding photographer or something.

So that's the Friday pep talk, folks! Hang in there.