Friday, November 14, 2014

I think the worst feeling is when you pee on a pregnancy test to convince yourself that you're wrong,  that this time it might have happened, that another month will not pass, pregnant only with hope.

When you yearn for a child, when you feel like your body is failing you, when you look up to God in despair, When you secretly detest the colleague who got pregnant with her second one without trying.

I am sitting here with a massive hole in my heart which aches, which brings on tears without any prompting, How can I cry over something that never was, that didn't exist?

Wasn't it me who didn't want to see a doctor anymore? Who didn't want to count days, didn't want the mechanical sex and countless ultrasounds?

And yet, here I am, Angry and dealing with primary infertility (as my doctor puts it).

Dear God,

I'll be fantastic mother, just try me.

Love,

A sad Me.