Skip to main content

Caught

So I am back after months, and predictably my comeback post is a rant.

A work friend is getting married, let's call her T. So it's an arranged marriage and along the way she's certainly had her doubts. The boy is a hardworking chap from a middle class background, has a dependent mother and a younger brother, and a married younger sister. Seems innocent enough, yes?

But going from engagement to marriage, there have been a couple of things that have her a little frazzled. There are signs of constant interference, insecurities and lack of privacy on the Mum in law's part. Since she can't discuss it at home too much, T looks to me for advice, me being the married friend.

You want to know what I think? I want to tell her to not get married, to tell her to marry someone who values her and doesn't bring with him family as a burden but rather as a blessing.I want to tell her to not get into a trap where a Mother is waiting to exercise her right as a Mother in law, waiting to act as if you've bitten into her slice of cake, taken away her most prized possession. I want to tell her not to rush into anything and take her time and enjoy her own company a little more.

Of course, I can't. And I don't.

Why not? Well because women like me and her are forever caught between tradition and modernity. We are self sufficient and capable of caring for our families and yet are a burden if not married off at the correct age.We bring our parents pride with our accolades and are the stress in their lives when we don't "settle" down.

I am not pointing fingers, the fault certainly is our own. We don't rebel enough. We don't challenge customs or tradition for fear of being labelled "difficult". We don't want to take the trouble of correcting a wrong because its been that way for decades. That's our fault. We wrote our own destinies.

Get married to a man you love, and yet inevitably whether you marriage was love or arranged, you will fall down the rabbit hole into the In Law trap. I'm sorry, but its true. You will bend over backwards to "prove" your worth and fit in, abandon how you've lived for years to accommodate your new family. It will be up to you to prove your mettle in the name of family pride.

I am not saying that there aren't nice In Laws at all, of course there are. My bet is that they are educated enough to see other people and value their privacy as they would their own. 

But with most people, respectable people no less, however nice they are, a snide remark here and a blatant expectation of submission there, this is "normal". You shouldn't raise any eyebrows to those, certainly, after all its not abuse. They are decent people who wouldn't dream of abusing another person. But, so often we let casual remarks slide by for its not tantamount to abuse in our eyes, at least not relatively. But the question is, you are a whole human being, aren't you entitled to some courtesy, why must an issue be big enough to raise, why shouldn't someone address your tiniest concern. Why? for that is how it works!

I think the only way this goes away, is if people are educated and have some exposure, else this game of cat and mouse is bound to continue. its always going to be the MIL vs the DIL with the husband caught in the middle. You need to be wise enough to live and let live.

This is the advice I would give my sister, who's young still.

And to T, I pray for the best.

End of rant. 


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

u are bad!!!

Hmm so the question of the day is:

What is your man?


My man, I am proud to say, is intelligent and very thoughtful; although he is super smart he is one of the most caring individuals I have come across. So lets see now, I think( and know), that he is very cute and very sweet, I think of him when I read somewhere, “ Handsome is as handsome does!!”, so now you know who “Mr. Handsome” is. So taking inspiration from Linda Goodman, I can safely say that, jumping around and partying is not what you’d expect him to be doing; if you haven’t met him and are looking for him, just for the info, look in the corner, he is the cute smiley guy, in the green shirt who speaks to you when spoken to, so you walk up to him, and say hello, don’t expect him to give you a bear hug, he wont be overly friendly, but just the optimum amount, just as he does things. Now, don’t assume that he is one of those snobbish, cold people who think you aren’t good enough for him, it’s not that. It’s true that he takes his …
Too many times I have thought about this blog, too many times I have marked a poem or passage to tell you about it later. Alas, too many times thoughts haven't poured from pen to paper, have stayed in my mind and heart, only to languish first and vanish later.

Funny, how thoughts just evaporate, in life's daily humdrum.

How have you been, old friend?

Me? I am the same in some ways and in so many ways, I am not. I am now a mother, yes that's the first word that comes to my mind when I describe myself. I have wanted to be a mom for so long, that now I embrace it foremost. But it's not easy being a parent, it requires putting so many of your needs on the back burner, sometimes its worth it, sometimes frustrating. And yet, the net net here is the child, who grows up in front of you - a piece of you, so fascinating that is.

I am grateful that my child is a happy child, God is kind and I thank Him every day. KK turns 2 in a couple of weeks and is my sunshine child. Seems to…

miss chamko

"arre suniye, Miss Chamko?!"
CHASHME BUDDOOR. Baar baar, lagataar, khushboodaar, jhaagwala, Chamko! (pack ke saath chammach free hai, ting tong) - S. p.s. - for those of u who recall that I was initially reffered to as Ms.Chamko on my blog. :P